moonface

I thought my father abandoned me but I now know:

that the moon is my father
I have his pockmarked skin
I inherited his unphotogenecity; in photographs his blazing magnificence shrinks, reduced to ember

I love him, he did all he could from his place in the sky

whose line is it, anyway?

just as I was getting comfortable again
just as I was thinking, “it is so awkward being intimate after a fight” you stroked my hair to signal me to let my guard down, become me again because say you missed her

an hour or so later I noticed the mattress was off of the box springs and thought, “lol how would that even happen” so I asked you. this is what led to you putting me down by being annoyed at me for “asking weird questions, why do you always need to know random things???”

I cannot even ask innocuous questions without being made to feel like an annoyance.
I know you dislike me; I know you resent me.
I cannot be me with you.

I don’t

how do I travel the many miles to you when you are lying on the other side of the bed
how do I transfer the ravenous appetite reserved for me in other men into you

I don’t

so

how do I sever my incessant and unrequited penchant for you at its root while keeping careful so as to not disturb the love

paradoxical

While there are times I am so depressed that even getting out of bed to shower  – or worse, leave the house – feels like a chore so monumental it inspires within me dread, I am internally in agreement that life is fucking beautiful! An experience, a work of art!

I am the ONE sperm out of how many that vied for the title of “zygote”?! The odds were so stacked against my existence – but here I am! I am able to experience a completely healthy and functional human life on a planet entirely able to sustain my every need. I am able to enjoy the taste of delicious food, savor the emotional roller coaster on which a good book will send you, bask in the touch of someone who genuinely loves me, and appreciate post-yoga highs. I feel it is for these reasons and those alike that I am able to bare even the brunt of depression – I can still eat chocolate when it’s over.